• Pay attention in school — Get good grades. Always listen to the teacher and don’t be disruptive. Follow the rules and never question authority. Conformity is key.

• Go to college — The safest thing to do is to get a degree. It’s okay to rack up a ton of debt at 18 years old — at least you’ll have a certificate. Don’t worry about getting a degree that will land you a job. Focus on the experience. Take 4-5 years if needed.

• Keep your options open — Don’t commit to any one thing. You’re going to need options in case you fail. This goes for relationships, careers, etc. If someone asks what you’re doing with your life respond: I’m keeping my options open.

• Drink alcohol — Make sure you drink. At the very least, make sure you drink at social events. People who don’t drink are weird and obviously have a drinking problem — it’s just not normal.

• Get a job — You’re going to need a nice 9-5. Earn a steady paycheck for your time. Yes, it will suck, and yes the commute will be hell but, it’s what normal people do. Work for a company that can fire you in an instant. Do it for 40 plus years of your life. This is the way to wealth and the safest way to make a living. Chances are you’ll end up hating your job but that’s okay, your company is like a big family. Appreciate them.

• Don’t start a business — It’s too risky. Don’t control your destiny and set your own schedule. Stick to your job. If you’re thinking of starting a business, talk to your friends and family. They’ll surely talk you out of it. Most businesses fail in the first five years anyway.

• Buy a new car — You’re going to need a car to get to your job. Buy a brand new one to make the neighbors jealous. Take out an 84-month loan if you can’t afford it. Don’t worry about the cost, just focus on the payment. Buy the most luxurious car you can get your hands on. Complain about the price of gas.

• Buy a house — You can’t live with your parents forever so you’re going to need a home. Get pre-approved for a home loan and spend every single bit of it. Make sure to shop for homes priced 10% above what you can afford. It doesn’t matter anyway because your new rent-to-own home is an *investment*

• Acquire stuff — You’re going to need stuff for your new home so your friends and relatives don’t think you’re strange. Think consumer products like TVs, a cappuccino machine, a coffee table, end tables, and don’t forget books. You’ll need books for the coffee table to make people think you’re smart. If you can’t afford stuff put it on your credit card. It will improve your credit score.

• Have kids — If you are married you’re going to need to have children. The minimum amount is two. Having only one is practically child abuse. No exceptions.

• Eat healthy — Eat three square meals per day and follow government guidelines [they know what’s best for you.] Stay away from red meat and focus on grains. Don’t skip breakfast. Fast food is okay a few times per week and who doesn’t love Starbucks? Stick to the center aisles of the grocery store — the outside aisles are where they keep all of the expensive stuff.

• Don’t worry about finances — Don’t try to manage your money and don’t learn about investments or other risky ventures. Trust the experts and play it safe. Let them make the decisions. Your banker is your friend and your employer’s 401K is enough. Besides, who’s the first one to call and see if you are okay when you miss a payment? Your banker. Hopefully, someday, you’ll be able to retire.

• Travel — Travel to exotic places like London, Toronto, and The Grand Canyon. Don’t venture anywhere that looks dangerous in the movies and don’t drink the water. Tell everyone about your cultural experience at It’s A Small World at Disney. Add ‘World Traveler’ to your social media bio.

• Social media — Stay active. Take pictures of your perfect family, your perfect dinner out, and the highlights of your life. Complain about ‘adulting’ and get into arguments with strangers. Don’t let your phone get cold.

• Stay informed — Watch the news religiously. Believe everything you hear. Be afraid.

• Engage in politics — Everything you know about politics is correct and your opinions are fact. The other side is going to run your country into the ground and you must inform others. Belittle people who disagree with you. Put signs in your lawn and stickers on your car.

• Play it safe — Don’t do anything out of the norm or anything that can bring on unwanted judgment. Don’t write, paint, sketch, doodle, or create anything that could be criticized. Don’t do anything that could bring attention period.

• Watch TV — Watch copious amounts of television. Keep up with celebrity gossip. Zone out at the end of your workday. Talk about what you watched the night before with your coworkers.

• Get a Dad bod — Let yourself get out of shape and normalize unhealthy habits. Remind yourself that you’re getting old and it’s not your fault you have ‘bad genes’ Don’t let others fat-shame you.

• Talk about others — Keep up with the latest rumors within your circle of peers. Spread gossip and juicy details. Don’t worry if what you’re saying is true.

• Don’t befriend weirdos — Steer clear of people who don’t live as you do. Stick with average people who do average things while living their average lives. Make fun of others.